People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
J M Barrie
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
Where there’s smoke, there’s smoke.
The bastard!! He doesn’t exist. (referring to God: Hamm in Endgame)
It is very difficult to predict — especially the future. [other attributions exist]
When a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it can’t be cured.
Many kinds of monkeys have a strong taste for tea, coffee and spirituous liqueurs.
The aim of science is to make difficult things understandable in a simpler way; the aim of poetry is to state simple things in an incomprehensible way.
The less they know about physics, the more they philosophise.
If you thought that science was certain – well, that is just an error on your part.
Philosophy of science is about as useful to scientists as ornithology is to birds.
There’s a big difference between knowing the name of something and knowing something.
J B S Haldane
I suppose the process of acceptance will pass through the usual four stages: i) This is worthless nonsense, ii) This is an interesting, but perverse, point of view, iii) This is true, but quite unimportant, iv) I always said so.
Two brothers or eight cousins. [when asked whether he would lay down his life for his brother]
I have no idea. People who boast about their IQ are losers. [when asked about his IQ]
Robert Hooke (not that one)
It is commonly believed that anyone who tabulates numbers is a statistician. This is like believing that anyone who owns a scalpel is a surgeon.
There is no settling the point of precedency between a louse and a flea.
Abraham Lincoln (attrib.)
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, nobody knows what they are.
H L Mencken
For every complex problem, there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
Only three people have ever really understood the Schleswig-Holstein business—the Prince Consort who is dead—a German professor, who has gone mad—and I, who have forgotten all about it.
The best that most of us can hope to achieve in physics is simply to misunderstand at a deeper level.
That is not even wrong. (Das ist nicht einmal falsch.) (attrib.)
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
What is work? Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth’s surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so. The first one is unpleasant and ill paid; the second is pleasant and highly paid.
No matter how eloquently a dog may bark, he cannot tell you that his parents were poor, but honest.
If the dinosaurs had had a space program, they would not be extinct.
If. [reply to message from Philip II of Macedonia: “If I invade Lakonia you will be destroyed, never to rise again.”]
Reasoning will never make a Man correct an ill Opinion, which by Reasoning he never acquired.
Silvanus P Thompson
What one fool can do, another can.
(from Calculus Made Easy)
Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is, I don’t know which half.
P G Wodehouse
Never confuse the unusual with the impossible. (Psmith in Psmith, Journalist)
One of the Georges – I forget which – once said that a certain number of hours’ sleep each night – I cannot recall at the moment how many – made a man something which for the time being has slipped my memory. (Mike and Psmith)